Mike reflected on a former friend from LAPD:
"I thought he might not get Rubicon. I let him go. Such a good friend!” he cried.
He googled the man, remembering the street where he lived, and found him, but no email address.
With Mike in such a heightened state of distress, I contacted all of his old friends I could think of to whom he might listen.
To Peter Dale Scott:
February 16, 2007
hi -
below is an email i sent last night to cynthia mckinney. this morning i suggested that mcr call you (peter; this email will also go to al giordano when i find the address). mcr got the number from information but i said, 'it's early in california.' (it was 10:30 here.) mcr said: "oh yeah. 4:30 in the morning." I said, 'he's in california.'
this is an indication of some ways in which his mind isn't working clearly although mostly, it's working all too clearly.
while he was having breakfast i said, 'why don't i send the same email to peter dale scott that i sent to cynthia?' he said ok.
he's v close to suicide. much discussion of gary webb. [I'd asked Mike: If you’d been able to talk to Gary before he killed himself, what would you have said?
Mike said, "I would have said, ‘Come work for me at FTW.
'But that’s before all this happened to me. Now I’d just say, ‘I understand. Point the gun up towards your brain, not down into your jaw.’"
For anyone unfamiliar with Webb's suicide, some controversy was generated by the fact that there were two shots. How could that be, went the argument, if it wasn't murder? But Mike saw the evidence and said the first shot had failed because of the angle.]
this morning he looked up hunter thompson on wikipedia to see the circumstances of his suicide.
over breakfast he said, 'i made one mistake they didn't. they didn't give away their guns.'
he went on. 'i know how to take away guns. i wouldn't take one from a cop, though.'
"No!" i said.
he looked at me a little cross-eyed.
"They need their guns," i explained.
his eyes crossed further.
"I'm not following you at all, am i?" "No. i was lapd. it's honor among cops. i could take a gun from a security guard, though. i saw one who had one.'
he stared fixedly at the lamp as though he was figuring out where he'd seen the guy and how to get back to him.
enough detail for now. the point is, he reads the gvt interference with his book deal as a message: Anything you do to get your head above water will be snuffed out. he says he's broken. either he'll kill himself or they'll kill him.
to boost his spirits, a friend sent a link to a website where someone had nominated mike as an alternative attorney general.
mike said, "the person who did that put me back in the crosshairs. i don't care what sort of obscure website that is, this means my name's still out there and it will be as long as i'm alive."
i said, "even more if you're dead." (he's always answered the query, "why haven't they assassinated you?" by saying, "because the next day, my book would sell 2 million copies.")
his biggest fear is of guys in jackboots breaking down the door to come get him. he says if i call 911, they'll put him in four point restraints and that'll be the worst humiliation of all.
i said, "my inclination would be to call [his shrink.]"
he said, "she has a legal obligation to call 911."
i said, "then i probably do too, or at least a moral obligation."
he said if i do that he'll never speak to me again. i could say, "what difference would it make? at least you'd be alive," but you'll see why it's not an option.
[Throughout that conversation, he had walked around picking up bits of black fluff that had come off my socks and stuck to the carpet where they looked like tics and drove him crazy. This is one of the ways in which he "makes himself useful;" to whom, I’m not sure. I’ve told him many times that his "usefulness" to me lies not in the household tasks he performs but in his presence. But the notion is so alien, it doesn’t take.
He asked about my vacuum cleaner (courtesy of FEMA, to shut up New Yorkers who complained of the "toxic air" after 9/11.)
I told him, accurately, that you can only pull, rather than push it. “It only works backwards.”
He repeated the phrase to himself in wonder.]
last night's email to cynthia:
hi cynthia - just tried your cell. no dice. mcr wants to know if u have a new number.
btw i asked mcr's permission to contact you; it wasn't his idea. i'm trying to keep him from killing himself.
v bad thing happened. the books had been sold to a subscriber for ten grand. the subscriber sent the money, certified return receipt requested to ray, mike's lawyer. the return receipt was signed 'ernest' something, a guy who lives in ray's building. ernest says 'that's not my signature. i never saw any package.'
mike's interpretation: the gvt intercepted the package under some pretext the bush admin has put into place. they will never let him get his head above water ie out of debt. he says this is not to stop him from getting back in the game in the future. he says it's punishment. he gave me permission to tell u any fukkin thing i want, including by email.
sorry, cynthia. i don't know what any of us can do. am just grasping at straws.
**********
just now mike suggested sending this email also to al Giordano, "a great historian." i need to find that address.
he says he won't kill himself today because nick levis is coming over later, or tomorrow because we're going out with two other friends. does this mean if we maintain an active social calendar, he'll keep going one day at a time, as they say in AA?
his argument is that i'd be doing him some sort of favor by letting him die with some dignity, some control and that to try to keep him alive the way he's feeling now is cruel.
he equates money of his own with pride. not to have it is to be stripped of pride. it's that simple since even without money of his own, he's not starving here.
he also says that the last thing he wants now is a pep talk.
sorry to lay this at your doorstep. trying everything. THANKS!
Peter Dale Scott sent a kind, helpful email in response. He made sure it was prompt as well, saying, "He who gives quickly gives twice."
No comments:
Post a Comment